Journals125
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Deuces
1 min read
I'm never going to update this page again most likely. I still watch people, fav and generally lurk, but don't expect too much action otherwise. If you've faved something of mine, THANK YOU! If I've faved something of yours, YOU'RE WELCOME!
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Icons
1 min read
So I finally got around to updating and deleting a bunch of stuff out of my scraps.
A lot of my stuff has been taken down over the last couple years for one reason or another so everything got moved to scraps. Well the scraps started getting taken down and I finally got fed up.
So now everything is in one place.
HERE!
All my Elfin Lied, Naruto, Bleach, J-rock or any other random icon, wallpaper, FO banner, or colorbar that I've made will now be at that link and no where else on DA.
All my writing and photomanips will stay on DA though...
Yeah, that's it. Bai.
A lot of my stuff has been taken down over the last couple years for one reason or another so everything got moved to scraps. Well the scraps started getting taken down and I finally got fed up.
So now everything is in one place.
HERE!
All my Elfin Lied, Naruto, Bleach, J-rock or any other random icon, wallpaper, FO banner, or colorbar that I've made will now be at that link and no where else on DA.
All my writing and photomanips will stay on DA though...
Yeah, that's it. Bai.
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Hair
1 min read
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Surprise Surprise
1 min read
Guess who's back?
That's right. ME! I'M BACK BABY! I have the internet again. Not for a weekend, a few days, or a few hours. Nope! FOR ALL TIME!!!!
I shall be going through my gallery and moving things, just so people know. I need to move almost all of my icons and wallpapers somewhere not DA because they keep getting taken down.
I will let you know where they went once I get it all set up. ^___^
It's so wonderful to be back
That's right. ME! I'M BACK BABY! I have the internet again. Not for a weekend, a few days, or a few hours. Nope! FOR ALL TIME!!!!
I shall be going through my gallery and moving things, just so people know. I need to move almost all of my icons and wallpapers somewhere not DA because they keep getting taken down.
I will let you know where they went once I get it all set up. ^___^
It's so wonderful to be back
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Update... again
9 min read
I haven't been around for a while, a very long while, I know. And I'm not going to be around for a very long while again, but I thought I would take this opportunity to update the people who care (if there are any left) on what has been going on with me. It's not much, mostly feelings and problems, but it's something. Nothing I write is meant to upset, worry, guilt or anything else to anyone. I have just decided to not censor myself and that means saying things that may bother people. So no bitching at me please, besides I wont get to read it for months any how.
First off, still no job, but there are reasons now. Reasons that suck monkey balls, but reasons. I haven't left my house, except for those days that Eugene manages to get me out, in months. Usually he can only get me out if it means going to a used book store where I can hide in the stacks and distract myself. Sad, but true. I have agoraphobia. For those of you who don't know what that is, here is the dictionary definition: fear of open spaces: a condition characterized by an irrational fear of public or open spaces. I don't have problems with open spaces so much, I like open spaces. I have problems with the public part. The people I don't know or even sometimes the people I do know, especially in large groups. I sure there are other issues underlying that one, but it's the issue that keeps me confined to my house, so it's kinda the one I care about.
I made a phone call a few months ago and set about getting help, but nothing has ever come from it. I never made the rest of the phone calls I needed because of fear, and because I was waiting for something to happen that I don't think is ever going to happen now. I was waiting on my friends. I made a date, sorta, to see them because I really, badly wanted them to be with me when I made those calls and things started to happen. I still want them there, but now I don't think it would matter.
I'm scared of the changes those phone calls are going to make on my life. Scared to the point of shaking and almost being sick (no exaggeration). I need someone there who I can freak out on, rant at, panic at, or just tell what I'm feeling and they will know what to say, or what to do to calm me down. And there are only probably three people who I know that can do that. My sister hates all the emotions, I already asked her to do it and she said no. And I can't talk to my brother like that. I don't know why, I've asked myself that question many times, and I haven't answered myself once. So I'm assuming I have no clue.
I know the changes are going to be for the better, in my head I know. But my heart is another matter. I'm… comfortable, I guess. No that's not right. I'm in no way comfortable with how my life is right now. I feel like a trapped animal to be honest. But it's familiar and safe and even though I'm bored to the point of tears and causing mayhem just for something to do, I'm safe. Any changes in my life have brought me nothing but pain for years. Familiar is SAFE. And I don't think anyone knows just how much that safety means to me.
When someone shows up unannounced at my house I freak out because it's a deviation from my normal life that I was not expecting. Unless it's Shannon, cause with her there is no choice and any fight we have I usually get over fast. If someone calls before they come over and I know they're coming, no problem. (Not that, that ever happens mind you.)
The thought of having the conversation with my friends that I was sure was coming when I still thought they remembered me gave me near blacking out panic attacks. Small things still do, though it's been a while since I had one and I'm very grateful for that.
My life mostly consists of distracting myself enough not to think about the things that upset me or to think about suicide. Which is always lurking in the back of my mind these days. Prowling around and waiting for me to let my guard down to pop into my head. I think I need to call who I did before and talk again, but I will just get the same answers I got before. Phone numbers to call after my courage has been used up calling the suicide hotline. I HATE BEING A COWARD!!!!
Enough of that! Even if anyone has made it so far as to read to this point (which, again, I doubt. I don't think anyone I know is a bad person, I just think I'm boring and melancholy), I don't really think I have said anything new. Except for the being completely abandoned part. Which I've come to live with, it's just hard moving in this world with no friends. *sigh*
On to other things! Shannon is gone. Not like forever, but moved out officially (again). She lives in Shingletown and for those of you not from my area, that's way out in the boonies, like a 45 minute drive or so. She lives with a couple of friends of ours. Mike, Ryan, and Ryan's fiancé Sarah on their bit of land over looking the world. It's nice out there, I've been once and it's peaceful. With their dogs and their horse and all that happy shit. She's happy. Happier than I have seen her in a long time and that makes me happy for her. She as dating a girl for a while, but it didn't work out. As far as I know at this point she's single (thank god) and hopefully going to stay that way for a while.
Dad is in the hospital in Fairfax and has been for months. He had surgery on his legs and had a bad reaction to the stitches they put in his legs and it got all infected and gross. For a while they thought they were going to have to cut his legs off completely, but they got things under control and that's not going to happen now. As per my last update, he's getting better. Still not sure how I feel about that, my emotions are mixed on the subject to be honest.
Eugene is fine as far as I know. He was having some problems at work with his boss for a while, but I think that's all been settled now. He at least doesn't bring it up like he used to. *shrug*
As for me other than all that other crap. The only thing to report is that I no longer have long hair. A few days ago I finally mustered up the courage to chop it all off. I mean that to, I took some scissors, grabbed my pony tail and cut. No more hair for Esther. I have a sorta page boy look I guess. It barely touches my neck in the back, lets put it that way. It felt good when I did it, but it doesn't feel as good now. I think I might just shave it all and start over. Not sure yet, we'll see. Other than that it's a boring life of books, music, tv, movies, games, fiddling on the computer, fixing the sink, almost getting the power shut off, getting $20 free on my phone (yippie.) and my cat bothering me non-stop. I had my 21st birthday, which I can't remember very well. No I didn't get drunk, nothing happened to make it stick out in my mind is all.
So until the next time I manage to get near a computer or something else happens. Farewell. I hope you are all living extremely, painfully happy lives and have no complaints or problems. Much love to you all.
-Esther
P.S. Just for the hell of it, here's a list of quotes I gathered for something else. You don't have to read this part, this is just for me. You might have heard some of them before, but oh well.
'The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.' - Harriet Beecher Stowe
'Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.' - Mother Teresa
'You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.' - Michael Pritchard
'Most of all other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world.' - Kate Douglas Wiggians
'[Dancing is] a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.' - George Bernard Shaw
'Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.' - Woody Allen
'Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.' - James Dewar
'Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.' - H.G. Wells
'Man, biologically considered, and whatever else he may be into the bargain, is simply the most formidable of all the beasts of prey, and, indeed, the only one that preys systematically on its own species.' - William James
'Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.' Mark Twain
'When you're five and you hurt, you make a big noise unto the world. At ten you whimper. But by the time you make fifteen you begin to eat the poisoned apples that grow on your own inner tree of pain. It's the Western Way of Enlightenment. You being to cram your fists into your mouth to stifle the screams. You bleed on the inside.' - From The Rage by Richard Bachman (a.k.a. Stephen King)
'What must it be life for a suicide coming down from a high ledge? I'm sure it must be a very sane feeling. That's probably why they scream all the way down.' - From The Rage by Richard Bachman (a.k.a. Stephen King)
abreq ad hâbra - hurl your thunderbolt even unto death
First off, still no job, but there are reasons now. Reasons that suck monkey balls, but reasons. I haven't left my house, except for those days that Eugene manages to get me out, in months. Usually he can only get me out if it means going to a used book store where I can hide in the stacks and distract myself. Sad, but true. I have agoraphobia. For those of you who don't know what that is, here is the dictionary definition: fear of open spaces: a condition characterized by an irrational fear of public or open spaces. I don't have problems with open spaces so much, I like open spaces. I have problems with the public part. The people I don't know or even sometimes the people I do know, especially in large groups. I sure there are other issues underlying that one, but it's the issue that keeps me confined to my house, so it's kinda the one I care about.
I made a phone call a few months ago and set about getting help, but nothing has ever come from it. I never made the rest of the phone calls I needed because of fear, and because I was waiting for something to happen that I don't think is ever going to happen now. I was waiting on my friends. I made a date, sorta, to see them because I really, badly wanted them to be with me when I made those calls and things started to happen. I still want them there, but now I don't think it would matter.
I'm scared of the changes those phone calls are going to make on my life. Scared to the point of shaking and almost being sick (no exaggeration). I need someone there who I can freak out on, rant at, panic at, or just tell what I'm feeling and they will know what to say, or what to do to calm me down. And there are only probably three people who I know that can do that. My sister hates all the emotions, I already asked her to do it and she said no. And I can't talk to my brother like that. I don't know why, I've asked myself that question many times, and I haven't answered myself once. So I'm assuming I have no clue.
I know the changes are going to be for the better, in my head I know. But my heart is another matter. I'm… comfortable, I guess. No that's not right. I'm in no way comfortable with how my life is right now. I feel like a trapped animal to be honest. But it's familiar and safe and even though I'm bored to the point of tears and causing mayhem just for something to do, I'm safe. Any changes in my life have brought me nothing but pain for years. Familiar is SAFE. And I don't think anyone knows just how much that safety means to me.
When someone shows up unannounced at my house I freak out because it's a deviation from my normal life that I was not expecting. Unless it's Shannon, cause with her there is no choice and any fight we have I usually get over fast. If someone calls before they come over and I know they're coming, no problem. (Not that, that ever happens mind you.)
The thought of having the conversation with my friends that I was sure was coming when I still thought they remembered me gave me near blacking out panic attacks. Small things still do, though it's been a while since I had one and I'm very grateful for that.
My life mostly consists of distracting myself enough not to think about the things that upset me or to think about suicide. Which is always lurking in the back of my mind these days. Prowling around and waiting for me to let my guard down to pop into my head. I think I need to call who I did before and talk again, but I will just get the same answers I got before. Phone numbers to call after my courage has been used up calling the suicide hotline. I HATE BEING A COWARD!!!!
Enough of that! Even if anyone has made it so far as to read to this point (which, again, I doubt. I don't think anyone I know is a bad person, I just think I'm boring and melancholy), I don't really think I have said anything new. Except for the being completely abandoned part. Which I've come to live with, it's just hard moving in this world with no friends. *sigh*
On to other things! Shannon is gone. Not like forever, but moved out officially (again). She lives in Shingletown and for those of you not from my area, that's way out in the boonies, like a 45 minute drive or so. She lives with a couple of friends of ours. Mike, Ryan, and Ryan's fiancé Sarah on their bit of land over looking the world. It's nice out there, I've been once and it's peaceful. With their dogs and their horse and all that happy shit. She's happy. Happier than I have seen her in a long time and that makes me happy for her. She as dating a girl for a while, but it didn't work out. As far as I know at this point she's single (thank god) and hopefully going to stay that way for a while.
Dad is in the hospital in Fairfax and has been for months. He had surgery on his legs and had a bad reaction to the stitches they put in his legs and it got all infected and gross. For a while they thought they were going to have to cut his legs off completely, but they got things under control and that's not going to happen now. As per my last update, he's getting better. Still not sure how I feel about that, my emotions are mixed on the subject to be honest.
Eugene is fine as far as I know. He was having some problems at work with his boss for a while, but I think that's all been settled now. He at least doesn't bring it up like he used to. *shrug*
As for me other than all that other crap. The only thing to report is that I no longer have long hair. A few days ago I finally mustered up the courage to chop it all off. I mean that to, I took some scissors, grabbed my pony tail and cut. No more hair for Esther. I have a sorta page boy look I guess. It barely touches my neck in the back, lets put it that way. It felt good when I did it, but it doesn't feel as good now. I think I might just shave it all and start over. Not sure yet, we'll see. Other than that it's a boring life of books, music, tv, movies, games, fiddling on the computer, fixing the sink, almost getting the power shut off, getting $20 free on my phone (yippie.) and my cat bothering me non-stop. I had my 21st birthday, which I can't remember very well. No I didn't get drunk, nothing happened to make it stick out in my mind is all.
So until the next time I manage to get near a computer or something else happens. Farewell. I hope you are all living extremely, painfully happy lives and have no complaints or problems. Much love to you all.
-Esther
P.S. Just for the hell of it, here's a list of quotes I gathered for something else. You don't have to read this part, this is just for me. You might have heard some of them before, but oh well.
'The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.' - Harriet Beecher Stowe
'Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.' - Mother Teresa
'You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.' - Michael Pritchard
'Most of all other beautiful things in life come by twos and threes, by dozens and hundreds. Plenty of roses, stars, sunsets, rainbows, brothers, sisters, aunts and cousins, but only one mother in the whole world.' - Kate Douglas Wiggians
'[Dancing is] a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.' - George Bernard Shaw
'Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.' - Woody Allen
'Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.' - James Dewar
'Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.' - H.G. Wells
'Man, biologically considered, and whatever else he may be into the bargain, is simply the most formidable of all the beasts of prey, and, indeed, the only one that preys systematically on its own species.' - William James
'Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.' Mark Twain
'When you're five and you hurt, you make a big noise unto the world. At ten you whimper. But by the time you make fifteen you begin to eat the poisoned apples that grow on your own inner tree of pain. It's the Western Way of Enlightenment. You being to cram your fists into your mouth to stifle the screams. You bleed on the inside.' - From The Rage by Richard Bachman (a.k.a. Stephen King)
'What must it be life for a suicide coming down from a high ledge? I'm sure it must be a very sane feeling. That's probably why they scream all the way down.' - From The Rage by Richard Bachman (a.k.a. Stephen King)
abreq ad hâbra - hurl your thunderbolt even unto death
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